I would just like to thank all of your kind words of encouragement and for all those readers who have been swearing at me for not writing regularly, I hope it makes sense now.

If you would like a link to my new blog, please feel free to email me at lezwifeblog@gmail.com and i will gladly send it to you when it is all set up.

For the final time….

As I am not sure how many of you know what this horrible affliction is, I shall explain (or at least I shall let Wikipedia explain for me!

“Lesbian bed death is a term invented by University of Washington sociologist Pepper Schwartz in her 1983 book American Couples.^[1] According to Schwartz, lesbians have less sex than any other type of couple, and they generally experience less sexual intimacy the longer the relationship lasts. ”

Now when I was younger and in previous relationships, I could not fathom such an idea. The whole thing just didn’t compute in my head. What better way to spend your time! Was and still is my general attitude.

It is common knowledge that my sex drive is a little on the high side, to the point that there have been concerns about an addiction on numerous occasions. This is not bragging, It is and has been a major problem.

If I think about it, all my previous relationships ended because of a sexual issue. Be it an argument, not calling or cheating. Unfortunately for all those involved, it was generally the latter. I was a little sh*t  for cheating. Some would call me a serial cheat, some would just not get involved. There have only been 2 relationships in my life where I didn’t cheat (bad I know). This is why I think I haven’t given LBD much thought before. I have always avoided it.

Now being married, I would never cheat, I wouldn’t jeopardise my marriage in any way, shape or form, and I definitely wouldn’t hurt my wife. Marriage is taken too lightly by my generation unfortunately, but not by me.

Of course I am naturally concerned by LBD affecting my relationship. I regard sex as a major part of my relationship. I find it difficult to express my feelings in general, but during sex, I can show this in a very powerful way.

I just hope that this isn’t happening to us. And if it is, I am hopeless to a solution.

After a lengthy hurt conversation with my wife a moment ago, I know realise that it only circumstantial what is going on between us. I just wish things could change.

So first and foremost i feel that is most important to apologise to shannonf’s husband. I had no intention of angering you or hurting your feelings. I understand how i may have done so, but believe me when I say this, you have the greatest gift in the entire universe and no dyke on a short-sighted public rant (myself) should make you feel bad. I am truly sorry. This goes for anyone else i may have insulted. You see my problem is i tend to type before I think, an incredibly bad habit that i am trying my hardest to shake.

Like I said, I see now that my rant was a little short-sighted. I did not at the time of writing even consider other peoples feelings on this matter. I understand that the media cannot cater for all needs, that it is bound to upset a few along the way, but i do feel that there is room for improvement. Maybe allowing a few LGBT adverts to creep onto our screens instead of just hushing them up till they find themselves on youtube would placate a little. The idea about the school forms is genius if I say so myself!

Now how about something a little less controversial hmm? The appalling state of Britain’s Finest politicians morals maybe? Stick them all on state benefits for 6 months I reckon, they all sit on their arses and do jack sh*t anyway! (typing before I think somewhat applies here, but then again, it is my opinion)

Wanting a bit of news on the baby front? I am afraid that it just is not happening. Not biological, through choice (if you can call it that.) Me and Kirst have been forced to put it all on hold till our donor gets his act together. When you make a promise to eat right, to stop drinking yourself into an early grave, taking our dreams with you, you generally uphold that promise right? well in our case wrong! We don’t want to give up on our donor just yet but I for one am getting sick of the lack of commitment. If he didnt have a problem with alcohol then why on earth is he unable to stop drinking, lying about drinking and everything that generally goes along with being an alcoholic. As a friend, I am not going to let him kill himself with this most obvious denial, but as a person who needs a part of him to continue with her and her partners dream which he is blatently disregarding because of “boredom,” I am finding it harder to persuade myself to keep positive.

So, how did I do? Another little bit of information for you. It’s our first wedding anniversary in 4 days :-D.

When i was younger i used to write poetry, I even got published a few times. Now my poems when i was younger were dark to say the least. Those poems stopped me from ending my life on more than one occasion. I stopped writing them when i was 15. Pretty soon after my best friend killed himself.

Stopping writing those poems was one of my biggest regrets. Something I quickly realised after I attempted to take me own life for the second time in 12 months. I still remember the songs that were playingon the radio that second time, what the weather was like, and most importantly- how i was feeling.

I felt at a complete wits end. That nothing was going right, that i would’nt ever be able to fix it. That all my trying to advance myself seemed futile, like i was hitting a brick wall. I was failing in every aspect of my life and i could see no way out.

These were not “cry’s for help”.

Since I recently had part of my past come back to haunt me in the shape of a letter, some of those feelings came with it. Well not exactly some, more like every single one plus a few more. No wonder i have’nt been able to sleep!. This time around i don’t need to write poetry, this time i have my wife, The only reason i am still here.

Now for the most scariest part of my most brutally honest post.

Beautiful wife of mine, The person I would do anything for, The person who could be carrying my child. This is a message to you.

Help me from this darkness, stop me pressing my own self-destruct buttons. I fear I may undo myself. Save me like only you can.

I feel sick, emotion storming inside and out of me, every single pore  crying tears of midnight black, I need my angel.

I will continue my post when these two shut up.

Right, peace and quiet finally.

Today i am still fuming. Note to all those out there. Don not step foot in the cricketers pub in Cambridge whilst Martin and Audrey still run it. They are solely responsible for me nearly getting arrested. Just because they don’t have the backbone to own up to their own mistakes. I shall fill you in on this tomorrow as i am sure i will have calmed down a bit by then.

I feel like my body is going to implode. The emotional weight on my shoulders is making my back scream in physical agony. I tried talking to Kirsty tonight, or rather she asked me to tell her what was making me so stressed and downright depressed. Finally after a thousand and one quick fix’s, i half managed to poorly divulge the root of it all. The mother of my current evils. Career. Such a small word for something that has the ability to make us feel superior, or even inferior in an instant. Since Kirsty can no longer work behind a bar due to the immense amount of pain she gets in her ankles, my career seems to have vanished. No longer does pub work have a purpose (other than to pay the bills). In fact the past god-only knows how many years and hours of effort, all the questions and exams, seem, well to put it bluntly- pointless. We can’t have the bar/club infusion that i dreamt of. The one i secretly designed years ago. I have thought of every possible way that it could stil happen but i keep arriving at a solid brick wall. I feel a failure.

Kirsty of course doesnt know all this as she got angry with me as i was abouts to say. She turned over and said there was no point in talking to me. If my wife wont even listen to me when i am clearly beyond breaking point, then what is the point in telling the world i thought.

This little rant now seems a little childish now, as my father in-law was diagnosed the day after i wrote this with kidney cancer.  So i will just shut up and deal with it, there are far more important things to be paying attention to.