LezWife

Right, I have just spent god knows how long writing a post that I have to say, was one of my best, and the bloody laptop just died on me and it hasn’t saved I shall try and recreate some of the magic that just flew out of my finger tips but I hold no hope!

So first and foremost i feel that is most important to apologise to shannonf’s husband. I had no intention of angering you or hurting your feelings. I understand how i may have done so, but believe me when I say this, you have the greatest gift in the entire universe and no dyke on a short-sighted public rant (myself) should make you feel bad. I am truly sorry. This goes for anyone else i may have insulted. You see my problem is i tend to type before I think, an incredibly bad habit that i am trying my hardest to shake.

Like I said, I see now that my rant was a little short-sighted. I did not at the time of writing even consider other peoples feelings on this matter. I understand that the media cannot cater for all needs, that it is bound to upset a few along the way, but i do feel that there is room for improvement. Maybe allowing a few LGBT adverts to creep onto our screens instead of just hushing them up till they find themselves on youtube would placate a little. The idea about the school forms is genius if I say so myself!

Now how about something a little less controversial hmm? The appalling state of Britain’s Finest politicians morals maybe? Stick them all on state benefits for 6 months I reckon, they all sit on their arses and do jack sh*t anyway! (typing before I think somewhat applies here, but then again, it is my opinion)

Wanting a bit of news on the baby front? I am afraid that it just is not happening. Not biological, through choice (if you can call it that.) Me and Kirst have been forced to put it all on hold till our donor gets his act together. When you make a promise to eat right, to stop drinking yourself into an early grave, taking our dreams with you, you generally uphold that promise right? well in our case wrong! We don’t want to give up on our donor just yet but I for one am getting sick of the lack of commitment. If he didnt have a problem with alcohol then why on earth is he unable to stop drinking, lying about drinking and everything that generally goes along with being an alcoholic. As a friend, I am not going to let him kill himself with this most obvious denial, but as a person who needs a part of him to continue with her and her partners dream which he is blatently disregarding because of “boredom,” I am finding it harder to persuade myself to keep positive.

So, how did I do? Another little bit of information for you. It’s our first wedding anniversary in 4 days :-D.

I feel that i need to make more of a commitment to my blog, I have kind of let it slide these past couple of months. Well no more! I pledge that i shall write everyday again, filling your computer monitors with ramblings and the like. So go on… bookmark me again I am back for good this time.

I will continue my post when these two shut up.

Right, peace and quiet finally.

Today i am still fuming. Note to all those out there. Don not step foot in the cricketers pub in Cambridge whilst Martin and Audrey still run it. They are solely responsible for me nearly getting arrested. Just because they don’t have the backbone to own up to their own mistakes. I shall fill you in on this tomorrow as i am sure i will have calmed down a bit by then.

A lot of thing’s have been going on recently that have prevented me posting. Some physical i.e. my wife rarely lets me get on the damn computer. Then there is the emotional side, a lot of stress has been floating around recently and i just couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I did however write this the other night whilst completely unable to send myself off to sleep.

I feel like my body is going to implode. The emotional weight on my shoulders is making my back scream in physical agony. I tried talking to Kirsty tonight, or rather she asked me to tell her what was making me so stressed and downright depressed. Finally after a thousand and one quick fix’s, i half managed to poorly divulge the root of it all. The mother of my current evils. Career. Such a small word for something that has the ability to make us feel superior, or even inferior in an instant. Since Kirsty can no longer work behind a bar due to the immense amount of pain she gets in her ankles, my career seems to have vanished. No longer does pub work have a purpose (other than to pay the bills). In fact the past god-only knows how many years and hours of effort, all the questions and exams, seem, well to put it bluntly- pointless. We can’t have the bar/club infusion that i dreamt of. The one i secretly designed years ago. I have thought of every possible way that it could stil happen but i keep arriving at a solid brick wall. I feel a failure.

Kirsty of course doesnt know all this as she got angry with me as i was abouts to say. She turned over and said there was no point in talking to me. If my wife wont even listen to me when i am clearly beyond breaking point, then what is the point in telling the world i thought.

This little rant now seems a little childish now, as my father in-law was diagnosed the day after i wrote this with kidney cancer.  So i will just shut up and deal with it, there are far more important things to be paying attention to.

Me and the wife have been talking. There is a major need for a civil partnership anniversary list. You know, like the 1st year paper/clock one. Neither of us really feel that we can bring ourselves to buy a paper clock or anything similar, so I am looking for suggestions to create a list for the LGBT community. We could even create 2 separate lists, one for the men and one for the women. What do you think?

Yesterday I did something really cool, I brought my wife a guitar. Not from any wage either… From the money I have earned by writing this blog! How cool! I was supposed to be using it on advertising but figured putting a smile on her face would be worth a hell of a lot more than a few hits! Next time I think I might treat myself to a new fan for my laptop.

So now Kirsty will be learning guitar. We brought a tab book for one of snow patrols albums. I got a couple of song books for the harmonica too so I’ll let you know how that goes!

I don’t particularly have the patience to blog at the minute, I keep getting shouted at by my wife, i just can’t seem to stop annoying her. So i will be back tomorrow with hopefully something of interest.

Tomorrow hopefully is the start of us trying again. I have been half joking to to the wife about intensive baby making army mission style. So fingers crossed it works this time. We can’t deal with any more bad luck. The miscarriage knocked us both for six.

We have been fighting a lot recently, both of us are under a lot of stress. I may have not been there for her as much as i should have. I put up a few walls and went on the defensive as she has been distant from me and well to put it bluntly I didn’t think she had any love for me anymore. After a few very explosive arguments and a few mistakes we have finally - i hope sorted it out. I won’t go into too much detail as i would be here forever, plus we decided to try and forget all the bad stuff that has been happening. It all came to a head when i handed her my wedding ring on friday.

Yes it got that bad.

Yes I have it back on my finger now.

No it’s not coming off again.

Yes I regret it more than anything i have ever done.

Now back to the baby making. We plan to try every day for the next few weeks. Not just when she is ovulating. We figure this will give us a much better chance.

Now i know what your all thinking. Why on earth are we trying for a baby when things are so rocky? To tell you the truth, Things are not that rocky in the usual sense. They are rocky, Yes, But in a we need to stop taking out our hurt on each other way. The misscariage, Kirsty’s nan dying, and the whole thing with her family (i am not prepared to get into it, but she has disowned them.) Havc all been taken out on each other. We have talked and now were pretty good. We have both vowed to not take each other for granted, for both of us not to fly off the handle all the time. Plus a few other things.

One of those other things is to have a bit of fun, we are young! So tonight we are going out. Cinema? Dinner? who the hell cares! We are young and in love.

Nothing can keep us down now!