LezWife

This post scares me. Terrifies me to the point that i have been reluctant to write it. The reason beyond my breaking the pledge that i would be back daily- fear.

When i was younger i used to write poetry, I even got published a few times. Now my poems when i was younger were dark to say the least. Those poems stopped me from ending my life on more than one occasion. I stopped writing them when i was 15. Pretty soon after my best friend killed himself.

Stopping writing those poems was one of my biggest regrets. Something I quickly realised after I attempted to take me own life for the second time in 12 months. I still remember the songs that were playingon the radio that second time, what the weather was like, and most importantly- how i was feeling.

I felt at a complete wits end. That nothing was going right, that i would’nt ever be able to fix it. That all my trying to advance myself seemed futile, like i was hitting a brick wall. I was failing in every aspect of my life and i could see no way out.

These were not “cry’s for help”.

Since I recently had part of my past come back to haunt me in the shape of a letter, some of those feelings came with it. Well not exactly some, more like every single one plus a few more. No wonder i have’nt been able to sleep!. This time around i don’t need to write poetry, this time i have my wife, The only reason i am still here.

Now for the most scariest part of my most brutally honest post.

Beautiful wife of mine, The person I would do anything for, The person who could be carrying my child. This is a message to you.

Help me from this darkness, stop me pressing my own self-destruct buttons. I fear I may undo myself. Save me like only you can.

I feel sick, emotion storming inside and out of me, every single pore  crying tears of midnight black, I need my angel.