LezWife

Ok, so today i am sitting on the sofa, half naked because i am far too warm. No energy due to throwing up all night. Were not pregnant and tommorow is the anniversary of ric. So all in all you would have thought i would be in a foul mood. Guess what? Im not! I am positive about next month, we have a new addition to our household, but more on that tommorow. So im off, i have not got the energy to type anymore. the wife x

You know what really has been p**sing me off recently? Every single baby website, tv show or advice item out there says “father”. Every single one! What harm would it do to say “partner” every once in a while? It hurts to contstantly see the f-word. How many lesbian couples are there trying for babies that dread seeing the f-word? I bet it is more than just us! C’mon media world. Sort it out!

This post scares me. Terrifies me to the point that i have been reluctant to write it. The reason beyond my breaking the pledge that i would be back daily- fear.

When i was younger i used to write poetry, I even got published a few times. Now my poems when i was younger were dark to say the least. Those poems stopped me from ending my life on more than one occasion. I stopped writing them when i was 15. Pretty soon after my best friend killed himself.

Stopping writing those poems was one of my biggest regrets. Something I quickly realised after I attempted to take me own life for the second time in 12 months. I still remember the songs that were playingon the radio that second time, what the weather was like, and most importantly- how i was feeling.

I felt at a complete wits end. That nothing was going right, that i would’nt ever be able to fix it. That all my trying to advance myself seemed futile, like i was hitting a brick wall. I was failing in every aspect of my life and i could see no way out.

These were not “cry’s for help”.

Since I recently had part of my past come back to haunt me in the shape of a letter, some of those feelings came with it. Well not exactly some, more like every single one plus a few more. No wonder i have’nt been able to sleep!. This time around i don’t need to write poetry, this time i have my wife, The only reason i am still here.

Now for the most scariest part of my most brutally honest post.

Beautiful wife of mine, The person I would do anything for, The person who could be carrying my child. This is a message to you.

Help me from this darkness, stop me pressing my own self-destruct buttons. I fear I may undo myself. Save me like only you can.

I feel sick, emotion storming inside and out of me, every single pore  crying tears of midnight black, I need my angel.

I feel that i need to make more of a commitment to my blog, I have kind of let it slide these past couple of months. Well no more! I pledge that i shall write everyday again, filling your computer monitors with ramblings and the like. So go on… bookmark me again I am back for good this time.

I will continue my post when these two shut up.

Right, peace and quiet finally.

Today i am still fuming. Note to all those out there. Don not step foot in the cricketers pub in Cambridge whilst Martin and Audrey still run it. They are solely responsible for me nearly getting arrested. Just because they don’t have the backbone to own up to their own mistakes. I shall fill you in on this tomorrow as i am sure i will have calmed down a bit by then.