LezWife

A lot of thing’s have been going on recently that have prevented me posting. Some physical i.e. my wife rarely lets me get on the damn computer. Then there is the emotional side, a lot of stress has been floating around recently and i just couldn’t bring myself to write about it. I did however write this the other night whilst completely unable to send myself off to sleep.

I feel like my body is going to implode. The emotional weight on my shoulders is making my back scream in physical agony. I tried talking to Kirsty tonight, or rather she asked me to tell her what was making me so stressed and downright depressed. Finally after a thousand and one quick fix’s, i half managed to poorly divulge the root of it all. The mother of my current evils. Career. Such a small word for something that has the ability to make us feel superior, or even inferior in an instant. Since Kirsty can no longer work behind a bar due to the immense amount of pain she gets in her ankles, my career seems to have vanished. No longer does pub work have a purpose (other than to pay the bills). In fact the past god-only knows how many years and hours of effort, all the questions and exams, seem, well to put it bluntly- pointless. We can’t have the bar/club infusion that i dreamt of. The one i secretly designed years ago. I have thought of every possible way that it could stil happen but i keep arriving at a solid brick wall. I feel a failure.

Kirsty of course doesnt know all this as she got angry with me as i was abouts to say. She turned over and said there was no point in talking to me. If my wife wont even listen to me when i am clearly beyond breaking point, then what is the point in telling the world i thought.

This little rant now seems a little childish now, as my father in-law was diagnosed the day after i wrote this with kidney cancer.  So i will just shut up and deal with it, there are far more important things to be paying attention to.

Me and the wife have been talking. There is a major need for a civil partnership anniversary list. You know, like the 1st year paper/clock one. Neither of us really feel that we can bring ourselves to buy a paper clock or anything similar, so I am looking for suggestions to create a list for the LGBT community. We could even create 2 separate lists, one for the men and one for the women. What do you think?

Yesterday I did something really cool, I brought my wife a guitar. Not from any wage either… From the money I have earned by writing this blog! How cool! I was supposed to be using it on advertising but figured putting a smile on her face would be worth a hell of a lot more than a few hits! Next time I think I might treat myself to a new fan for my laptop.

So now Kirsty will be learning guitar. We brought a tab book for one of snow patrols albums. I got a couple of song books for the harmonica too so I’ll let you know how that goes!

I don’t particularly have the patience to blog at the minute, I keep getting shouted at by my wife, i just can’t seem to stop annoying her. So i will be back tomorrow with hopefully something of interest.

Tomorrow hopefully is the start of us trying again. I have been half joking to to the wife about intensive baby making army mission style. So fingers crossed it works this time. We can’t deal with any more bad luck. The miscarriage knocked us both for six.

We have been fighting a lot recently, both of us are under a lot of stress. I may have not been there for her as much as i should have. I put up a few walls and went on the defensive as she has been distant from me and well to put it bluntly I didn’t think she had any love for me anymore. After a few very explosive arguments and a few mistakes we have finally - i hope sorted it out. I won’t go into too much detail as i would be here forever, plus we decided to try and forget all the bad stuff that has been happening. It all came to a head when i handed her my wedding ring on friday.

Yes it got that bad.

Yes I have it back on my finger now.

No it’s not coming off again.

Yes I regret it more than anything i have ever done.

Now back to the baby making. We plan to try every day for the next few weeks. Not just when she is ovulating. We figure this will give us a much better chance.

Now i know what your all thinking. Why on earth are we trying for a baby when things are so rocky? To tell you the truth, Things are not that rocky in the usual sense. They are rocky, Yes, But in a we need to stop taking out our hurt on each other way. The misscariage, Kirsty’s nan dying, and the whole thing with her family (i am not prepared to get into it, but she has disowned them.) Havc all been taken out on each other. We have talked and now were pretty good. We have both vowed to not take each other for granted, for both of us not to fly off the handle all the time. Plus a few other things.

One of those other things is to have a bit of fun, we are young! So tonight we are going out. Cinema? Dinner? who the hell cares! We are young and in love.

Nothing can keep us down now!

Today I had my little sister sitting on my sofa with tears in her eyes. unable to have a cup of tea because she felt so sick. My mum was sat next to her in exactly the same state. This is what happens when a father leaves his little boy because he decides he doesn’t love his partner anymore. This is what happens when a boy cant handle the responsibility.

All i can imagine my nephew saying is “why are we living at grannys mummy?” and “daddy coming to pick us up soon mummy?” His gorgous little eyes searching for answers my sister will not be able to answer.

When did it become right to abandon your partner and son for fun and the life of reiley? Somebody please explain this to me?

I understand he is young and his head is all messed up. But so is my little sister. Younger in fact. She doesnt up and leave when it gets that bit too much. She doesnt keep him hanging for months on end. She doesnt break his heart.

I have been fighting the urge to go find this boy. I’m sorry but i cannot call him a man. No man would or could do this. Fighting with myself to not go wipe him off the face of the planet for hurting my nephew and sister. I dont want to cause anymore harm.

He is barely a boy after all.